smell my finger.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
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There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
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I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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