I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
