the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
