soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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