The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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