mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
