no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
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Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize