Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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