there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
