I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
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