i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
