Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
