break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
