No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
