last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
