apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
