Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
