the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
