I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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