Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
A bitchslap is in order.
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