I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
