mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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