She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
