Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
