Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
