so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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