I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
