i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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