dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I have aggressive nipples.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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