it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
