Jerry, you need to find god
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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