Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
