I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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