i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
