Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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