just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
