ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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