high people should be assigned attendants
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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