Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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