My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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