Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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