but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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