If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
