he wants to bone in the snuggie
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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