I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
