I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
