Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
