After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
