Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
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I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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