you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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