How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
