Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
