You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
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You did a strip tease for the toilet.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
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Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable