Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
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She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
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I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry