my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
do nipples grow back?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
