But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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