It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
