Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
