I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
