Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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